The Most Overused Plotline Ever
by Bellafiamma
Summary: Snape does the Irish Jig, Draco is confused, Hermione is pregnant, and fanfic writers go crazy. Reposting this story because it needed editing the English major dies hard . Enjoy.
1. Snape Does An Irish What?

Title: The Most Overused Plot Line Ever

Pairing: SS/HG and a bunch of others

Summary: Snape does the Irish Jig, Draco is confused, Hermione is pregnant, and fanfic writers go crazy. Reposting this story because it needed editing (the English major dies hard). Enjoy.

Rating: Go at your own risk.

Disclaimer: Not mine blah blah blah

P.S. Dedication still stands after 4 years: To Casey. Because she's most likely the only person that will laugh.

Snape does the Irish Jig, Draco is confused, Hermione is pregnant, and fanfic writers go crazy.

* * *

CHAPTER 1: Snape Does An Irish What?

"You're pretty hot for a mudblood, Granger," Draco said.

Hermione gave him a glance and shrugged. "Sorry, but I'm in love with Snape. I'm pregnant with twins."

"WTF! When did that happen?" Draco said, aghast.

"Well I was serving a detention when he had to leave suddenly for a death eater meeting. He came back in pain from a crucio curse and I was helping heal his wounds and one thing led to another…"

Draco rolled his eyes. "That's the most over-used plotline ever."

Hermione shrugged again. "Maybe, but it still works, doesn't it? I still get to act concerned and Snape still gets to act aroused by my soft youthful hands healing him."

"But didn't you shag Harry beneath the Quidditch stands?"

"No, Draco, you're confusing reality with fanfic."

Draco stamped his foot. "Fuck. I keep doing that."

"At least people don't pair you with every other male character," Hermione said.

Draco gave her a sympathetic look. "I guess that's what happens when you're the only girl character worth shagging."

"Yeah. JK needs to really work on that."

"Well, Dr. Quinn is coming on, so I better jet," Draco said, waving goodbye.

"Sully's hot," Hermione replied, suddenly feeling warm all over.

* * *

Harry and Ron break apart from an embrace. Harry sneers and wipes his mouth in frustration.

"What the hell?"

Ron grimaced back in disgust. "Crazy fic writers. If I was attracted to males by now, I think I'd know."

Harry shudders again. "At least you aren't shagging Draco every other second."

"Well at least _you're _not desperately in love with Hermione!"

"That's canon, Ron. You can't mess with that."

* * *

Draco and Ginny are interlocked in a passionate embrace

"Draco!" Ginny pushed Draco away. "We can't, you're in love with Harry!"

"NO I'M NOT!" Draco proceeded to bang his head against the wall in frustration until he lost consciousness.

* * *

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil stared into a crystal ball, fascinated looks on there faces.

"What do you see, Lav?" Parvati asked excitedly.

"I'm not sure!"

"What do you mean 'you're not sure'? Aren't you supposed to be some sort of crystal-ball-star-looker-genius-person?"

"Holy crap, am I?" Lavender looked up in surprise.

Parvati rolled her eyes. "You didn't read the books, did you?"

"I got busy!" Lavender said defensively. "Besides, it's the same old story. Harry faces trouble, Harry defeats trouble, Harry experiences major angst, Ron and Hermione bicker while their sexual tension rises. Blah blah blaaah…"

"No, didn't you hear? She's pregnant with Snape's babies."

Lavender burrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "That's not canon."

Parvati shrugged and pointed to the crystal ball. "I don't know but it says here we're supposed to lez out in two chapters."

Lavender now looked annoyed. "Damn fanfic writers."

Parvati nodded in agreement.

* * *

Moaning Myrtle moaned in the toilet.

"Moooooan."

Bloody Baron floated in. "WTF. Stop this nonsense."

Moaning Myrtle came out of the toilet. "Who are you?"

Bloody Baron stopped in mid-float. "Hey… how you doin'."

Moaning Myrtle looked him over. "Stop by my toilet anytime. I'll give you a tour."

Bloody Baron grinned. "You're hot."

* * *

Hermione ran into the dungeons sobbing. Snape looked up, jumping to his feet. "What's wrong, my love!"

"Sev-ev-ev-erus!" Hermione wailed. "Ron fans are outside the castle trying to burn me at the stake!"

"WHAT! What do you mean, my love, my life, my heart!" Severus sweeps back his billowing robes and prances over to her.

"They said I'm messing with canon and that the punishment for that is death!" Hermione wailed.

Snape stopped prancing for a minute to look confused. "But I thought he was in love with Harry. How could he be digging you?"

Hermione stopped crying and looked at him calmly. "You're confusing this with the fanfic you read last night. You were up awfully late reading it." Then she proceeded to wail again.

Snape picked up where he left off prancing. "I can't help it. We were doing some very steamy Karma Sutra stuff."

Hermione stopped crying again. "Ooh?"

Snape switched to an Irish Jig and grinned wickedly. "Oh, yeah."


	2. Crookshanks is Disturbed

CHAPTER 2: Crookshanks is Disturbed

Summary: Snape gets in trouble for doing an Irish jig. Hermione learns how to speak fluent Russian in 5 seconds. Crookshanks is disturbed.

* * *

"Hermione!" Snape called from the living room. "Come here!"

Hermione hurried in. "What? What is it?!"

He pointed to the computer screen. "It says here we are supposed to be working on our fourth child!"

Hermione's jaw dropped. "Fourth! I don't know if I can handle four! I'm only seventeen and I'm already dealing with _twins_!"

"No no, remember? Fanfic writers boosted up your age so I wasn't dating a minor."

"Oh… right," Hermione bit her lip.

"So…" Snape looked at her suggestively. "Do you want to try for another set of twins? Maybe if we work really hard we can hit two birds with one stone, if you know what I mean."

Hermione looked indecisive. "Maybe after CSI. I think Sara and Gissom are finally getting together and I want to see it."

Snape rolled his eyes patiently at his wife. "Wrong fandom, dear."

"Oh. Crap." Then she looked at Snape seductively. "Maybe if you do that Irish jig again I'll get in the mood. That was pretty hot."

Snape shook his head apologetically. "No, I can't. JK Rowling got mad at me. She said it 'wasn't canon.'"

Hermione sighed in frustration. "Well fuck."

Suddenly Snape looked inspired. "Wait!" Her got up from behind his desk and started doing a Russian dance. "She didn't say anything about Russian dances."

Hermione grinned and started talking to him in fluent Russian. Crookshanks slunk from the room, disgusted.


	3. Snape and Fanfic Terminology

CHAPTER 3

Summary: Snape gives a lecture on fanfic terminology.

* * *

Snape stood in front of the classroom, impatiently tapping a switch against his palm. Hermione, sitting in the front row, tried not to get turned on.

"Class, listen up! We are here today to discuss and define the proper fanfic terminology. I'm sick and tired of people thinking I'm saying I want "a unicorn" when I use the term 'AU'."

Hermione licked her lips unconsciously.

"HERMIONE-WHO-IS-MY-HOT-WIFE, PAY ATTENTION OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO USE THIS SWITCH ON YOU."

Hermione's eyes lit up, eliciting an exaggerated eye roll from Snape.

"Now," Snape continued, trying to ignore his wife biting her lip. "Who can tell me what the term 'OTP' means?"

Draco Malfoy sniggered as Hermione looked confused. "Not even the hot mudblood knows what it means."

"And do you, Mister Malfoy?" Snape snapped, swirling his cloak because he knew it turned his wife on.

"Yeah. Off-topic…poo…"

"Fifty-trillion points from Slytherin," Snape said disdainfully. Then realization hit. "Oh shit. That's my house."

"Professor Snape!" Professor Flitwick waved his hand frantically, almost poking out the eye of Goyle, who sat next to him. "What about UST?"

"That, my dear sir," Snape said, swirling his cape in front of Hermione, who had transfigured her book on fanfic terminology into a bucket to catch her drool, "is what Draco and Ginny Weasley are currently experiencing."

Flitwick muttered something about unicorns have sex with turtles and wondering at the odd sexual practices of teenagers when Dumbledore raised a hand from the back of the room.

Snape rolled his eyes and sighed. What a fop. "Yes prime-minister-wanna-be-with-a-pointy-hat."

"What does the term 'squee' signify?"

Harry snorted. "That's the sound Lavender made last night."

Lavender turned bright red and proceeded to beat Harry unconscious with a cauldron. Dumbledore looked on sadly. "What a horrific way to go after defeating Voldemort."

A resounding "OMGWTFDIDYOUJUSTSAY!" echoed around the room.

Padma Patil raised her hand hesitantly. "Sir… sir…. what…. what about…. about…." She looked around furtively. "What about POV?"

"Point of view, you idiot?" Harry said, who had managed to come back from the dead.

"Oh!" Padma giggled and turned to her sister and whispered that she thought it meant something else.

Meanwhile Hermione was being increasingly turned on by her husband and five minutes later dragged him off to their chambers. The rest of the class continued to discuss why Dumbledore and McGonagall kept getting paired together when it was obvious no one wanted to read about two old people shagging each other.

Crookshanks slunk from the room, once again disgusted by the ignorance of humans. Even he knew UST meant Unresolved-Sexual-Things.


	4. The One With the Love Potion

CHAPTER 4 – The One with the Love Potion

Summary: Snape gets beat up, Draco takes a love potion, and Crookshanks eats a hippogriff.

* * *

Hermione jumped up from her place behind the desk, where she had been writing a very steamy fanfic about her and Snape. "Holy crap. What happened to your arm? It's all...broken."

Snape hobbled into the study, a cast on his left arm. Blood dripped from his nose and he was sporting an impressive black eye.

"JK Rowling…didn't like…my Russian dance….either."

Hermione looked furious. "THAT'S IT! The woman thinks because she created us she can do whatever she wants! I won't stand for it – I WON'T!" With that she swept from the room. Snape considered telling her that she was only wearing a piece of red lingerie from the night before but decided against it. His wife beating up another chic in a piece of red lingerie was pretty hot. He followed Hermione out, deciding to fix his broken nose later.

* * *

Perhaps it was because he had drunk one too many butterbeers, perhaps it was because he hadn't slept in over 72 hours in fear that JK Rowling would hunt him down and beat him up for not accurately falling in love with Hermione, or perhaps it was because he had developed a massive crush on Draco Malfoy. Whatever the reason, Ron did not act out his plans with the suave, sophisticated air that he had intended. Instead, he ended up running into Draco Malfoy, not gallantly swaggering up to him, and he ended up throwing the bottle of Love Potion at Draco instead of nobly handing it off to him.

"Here, take this!" Ron said, running away, his face as red as his hair.

"WTF?" Draco explained. "Do you really think I'm stupid enough to just take a random bottle of pink potion which looks suspiciously like Love Potion!" With that, he opened the bottle and swallowed it in one gulp.

The one flaw of Ron's intricate plans was that he forgot he had to be around after Draco swallowed the love potion. Otherwise Draco would fall in love with the first person he saw…

"Draco, my dear, you look a little pale. Are you quite alright?" Madam Pomfrey said, stumbling upon Draco a few seconds later.

Draco looked at her with a wicked gleam in his eye. "Of course. As long as you'll marry me."

Ginny walked around the corner just in time to hear this announcement. "YOU BASTARD!" She said, smacking him across the head with 2 x 4, which she happened to be carrying with her.

* * *

"I'm hungry," Crookshanks thought. "My owner has been locked up in her rooms for two days now, most likely shagging that insipid husband of hers. I need food!"

The furry cat knew Hagrid was an avid animal lover and perhaps if he meowed just pitifully enough, Hagrid would feel moved to feed him.

It was with these hopes that Crookshanks headed down to Hagrid's. And then… in front of Hagrid's dilapidated hut was… a hippogriff! Crookshanks' mouth started watering.

He slowly inched upon the animal and then pounced with a ferociousness even he didn't know he possessed.

Hagrid heard a commotion outside and rushed out to see what was happening. What he saw made him cry.

There sat Crookshanks, five times his normal size, with a hippogriff's tail sticking out of the side of his mouth.

Hagrid's howl echoed around the grounds, vibrating off the stone walls. "WITHERWINGS!"


	5. The One Where Hagrid Saves Witherwings

CHAPTER 5 – The One Where Hagrid Saves Witherwings

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this fanfic. The author is an avid animal lover and would not like to be flamed for a starving Crookshanks or a temporarily wounded hippogriff.

Summary: Draco tries to appease Ginny, Ron is heartbroken, and Hagrid tries to save Witherwings.

* * *

Five hours later, after the Love Potion had worn off, Draco tried to explain the situation to Ginny.

"No, Ginny, you don't understand!" He screamed, not caring that a ring of third years, plus Ron, surrounded them. "It was an effing LOVE POTION FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Do you REALLY think I feel attracted to MADAM POMFREY!"

Madam Pomfrey ran from the scene, sobbing: "No one loves me."

Draco pulled out the empty bottle and handed it to Ginny. "See for yourself."

Ginny peered at the bottle and sighed. "I guess you're right. Your only flaw is being stupid."

Draco nodded earnestly in agreement.

Ginny threw her arms around Draco's neck and kissed him. "I'm so sorry I doubted you! I love you!"

Ron walked away with tears in his eyes, heartbroken.

* * *

Crookshanks started to seriously doubt his actions of eating a hippogriff when he saw Hagrid waving a huge bat towards him. That, and the hippogriff's hoof was currently pressing on his bladder and now he had to pee.

He rolled his eyes and proceeded to cough up the hippogriff. Witherwings came out covered in hairballs. "Screw this," Crookshanks thought. "I'll go eat a damn unicorn." With that he trotted off to the forest.

Hagrid wrapped his massive arms around Witherwings, not caring that the beast's head was coated in half-digested pieces of tuna and tufts of orange cat hair. "WITHERWINGS," he cried.


	6. Draco Gets An iPod

CHAPTER 6: Draco Gets An iPod

Summary: Draco gets an iPod for Halloween. Harry loses his teddy bear. Devastation occurs.

* * *

Snape pulled out his wand, about to disarm the gangly creature jerking towards him. The pitiful beast was twitching its arms in the air and its legs were moving in a haphazard fashion. For a moment Snape thought the creature was under the effects of the crucio curse.

Then he realized it was Draco Malfoy.

Listening to an iPod.

Doing the iPod dance.

Poorly.

"What the hell is the meaning of this!" Snape bellowed. "It's a Hogwarts rule – NO IPODs IN THE HALLWAY."

Draco continued his jerky-somewhat-demented dance, unable to hear Snape.

Snape walked over and ripped the stupid earphones off of Draco's stupid ears.

"What the hell are you listening to anyway?"

"Erm…." Draco blushed.

Snape scowled and put one of the earphones up to his ear. "Ashley Simpson!"

"Ginny got me hooked!" Draco said defensively.

Snape's nostrils flared. "I'm going to have to confiscate this." With that he plucked the iPod out of Draco's hands and swirled away in a mass of black capes.

"NO! NOT MY U2 SPECIAL EDITION IPOD!" Draco bellowed. "Nooooooooo." He crumpled to the floor in dismay, not caring as a group of Ravenclaws scuttled past, sniggering at the prone blond frame.

* * *

"HELP!" Harry screamed, running down the hallway, nimbly leaping over the writhing blond form on the ground. "HELP!"

McGonagall leapt out of her office, half afraid Voldemort had come back. "WHAT IS IT POTTER?! HAS THE DARK LORD COME BACK?!"

"No… I'VE LOST MY TEDDY BEAR!"

McGonagall stood staring at the boy who defeated the darkest wizard on earth. And then proceeded to laugh. Loudly. In Harry's face.

Harry was not amused.

"You were awfully sympathetic when I was under the Dursley's care, sleeping with spiders, but don't you don't give a rat's ass that I LOST MY TEDDY BEAR?"

McGonagall collapsed to the floor in a fit of giggles under Harry's furious gaze.

He stormed away, shouting, "MY TEDDY BEAR SHALL BE AVENGED!"


	7. The One With Martha Stuart

CHAPTER 7: The One With Martha Stuart

Summary: Harry Potter finds a new passion after the loss of his teddy bear.

* * *

As Hermione took her place beside her husband at breakfast, she noticed Dumbledore didn't look pleased. He looked as if he had a particularly stubborn seed stuck between his teeth that was causing him great pain. Hermione was about to pass the headmaster some floss when he suddenly stood up.

"SHUT UP YOU INSIDIOUS STUDENTS!" He bellowed.

Everyone was startled. Not only because Dumbledore had yelled, but because no one had been talking to begin with.

"WE HAVE A GUEST!" He cried. The students did know why he was yelling since they could all hear him perfectly clear. "AND WITH THAT, I WOULD ….. LIKE…. TO WELCOME…. MARTHA STUART."

With that the doors of the hall were blown open and a startlingly distorted woman entered the room with a sneer on her face.

"_This _is what you call decoration, Dumbledore?" She sniffed. "The color scheme is all wrong." She leaned over and touched a plum colored banner. "Grotesque. Good thing I got here in time."

Dumbledore lifted his lip in a half-snarl half-sneer. Minerva placed a hand on his arm to calm him down.

Martha surveyed the horribly dressed student body before her and then turned to Dumbledore. She nearly gagged at the lack of sweaters thrown over shoulders. "I shall begin work immediately." With that, she turned and left the hall as loudly as she had entered.

Snape turned to Hermione and said, "If that woman turns Hogwarts into pink, I will vomit."

Hermione patted her husband on the cheek. "There, there, dear. I'm sure even she wouldn't do that."

* * *

The next day….

"WTF! PINK!"

Dumbledore woke up to find himself surrounded in pink. Pink pillows, pink rugs…. Even the stones of Hogwarts had been tinged pink. "I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! I SHALL KILL THAT WOMAN! I HATE HER MORE THAN I HATED LORD VOLDEMORT!"

Dumbledore dressed in a rage, determined to hunt down Martha Stuart and make her pay.

* * *

Martha Stuart stumbled upon a crying boy in her tour of the horrid-ill-kept-not-very-green-not-well-enough-trimmed-not-enough-ivy-covered grounds and bent down to give him a piece of homemade original Martha Stuart ™ chocolate when she realized it was Harry Potter.

"What the heck are you doing? Didn't you defeat some Darth Vader/Ringwraith guy? You should be courageous and strong and … not crying."

Harry looked up at her, snot running down his nose. "I lost my teddy bear."

Martha Stuart rolled her eyes. "Come with me… you can help me redecorate this horrid place."

* * *

1 week later

"Harry, aren't you coming to Quidditch tryouts for somereallybigteam with us!" Ron asked.

Harry shook his head while dashing past Ron. "Can't! We're decorating the front hall today! And I just thought of the perfect color scheme! Wait 'til Martha hears about it!" With that, Harry dashed off, screaming about eggplant and lime borders.

Ron turned to Hermione. "I thought he was still threatening suicide over the loss of his teddy bear."

Hermione shrugged. "Apparently he found something else to live for…"

"Dumbledore is going to be soooo mad when he finds out Martha Stuart has corrupted the Boy-Who-Lived…and lived and lived and lived."

Hermione got a pensive look on her face. "Maybe we can help Dumbledore out…"


	8. The One With Martha Stuart Pt II

CHAPTER 8

Summary: Ron and Hermione's potion to save Harry backfires….

* * *

A bushy-haired woman and a red headed man stood leaning over a boiling cauldron. A puzzled expression crossed the face of the bushy-haired woman.

"Don't you know what you're doing, woman?" Ron muttered. "You're only shagging a potion genius and you can't do a simple gayless potion."

"We're not trying to make Harry _straight_, you idiot. We're just trying to make him… not so … into interior designing."

"Why don't we just kill Martha Stuart?"

Hermione's eyes lit up and then her shoulders slumped. "Cause then K-Mart would sue us."

With that they put their heads together and continued making the potion.

* * *

"So Harry, what do you think?" Martha turned to Harry, who was scrutinizing the center piece in the great hall table.

"Well, Marty," he gave a slight tsk tsk, "I hate to say this but the orchids really don't fit in. It throws the whole arrangement off."

Martha nodded. "I see your point." She began to fuss with the arrangement just as Ron and Hermione ran up to Harry.

"Harry, drink this…It makes you a better Quidditch player," Ron spat out hurriedly.

Harry looked at him with pity. "I don't have time for _Quidditch_, Ron. I'm helping Marty with the flower arrangements right now. You're so silly."

Ron looked to Hermione with a pleading motion.

Hermione tried to think fast. "It also speeds up the pace in which you can knit… if you drink this you can… knit 50,000 scarves an hour."

Harry's eyes lit up. "No shit!" With that he took the flask and chugged it in one gulp.

Ron and Hermione stared at him intently while he blinked a few times. Then he turned and grinned at Ron. "Well, hello there sexy. Might I interest you in a drink and moonlit walk down at Hogsmead?"

Ron turned to Hermione. "Hermione, I do believe you fucked this potion up… big time."

Martha Stuart stood by, clapping to herself silently. "He'll be better at decorating than _ever_!"

* * *

Ginny dashed up to the gates of Hogwarts, bearing scratches and leaves in her hair. She had been in the Forbidden Forest for half the day, hunting for a lost treasure she knew she would find there.

Harry's lost teddy bear.

"HARRY! HARRY!" She bellowed.

Harry came skipping down the stairs, and seeing Ginny is her disheveled state, gave her a little _tsk tsk_. "Ginny, tsk you are never going to win a suitor in that ensemble. I declare! tsk" Harry gave his hand a little shake and went on staring at her disdainfully.

"No, Harry, you don't understand. I found…" She whipped the teddy bear from behind her back.

All the sudden Harry's eyes widened and he stood so still she was afraid she had accidentally petrified him, as she had become increasingly apt at doing. Moments later he jerked back to life.

He went to reach for his teddy bear before he saw the pink robes he was wearing. "OMGWTF AM I WEARING! AND WHY AM I CARRYING A BUSHELL OF PETUNIAS! WHY AREN'T I PRACTICING QUIDDITCH?"

Ginny fainted with relief.


	9. Harry Potter and the Six Fingered Man

Chapter 9: Harry Potter and the Six Fingered Man

Summary: Not really needed.

* * *

Harry looked down at his outfit. He was dressed as a…Spanish Warrior?

"Harry!" Lavender shouted. "It's the six fingered man!"

"WTF DO I CARE ABOUT A SIX FINGERED MAN!" Harry shouted. Then he turned around. It was Voldemort. _He _was the six fingered man.

"YOU BASTARD!"

Voldemort sneered.

"...why the hell do you have six fingers?" Harry asked.

Voldemort shrugged. "I dunno. Authors attempt at incorporating a favorite movie line into this insipid fanfic."

"Ok...well whatever... Hello, my name is Harry Potter, you killed my father…prepare to die." Harry wasn't sure where he developed the Spanish accent from, but it seemed to be turning Lavender on.

Voldemort paused and looked confused. "I'm certain I've seen this in a movie somewhere…." Before he could get another word out, Harry lunged forward and stabbed him with the sword, killing him instantly.

Hermione looked on with disgust and turned to her husband. "You know, Severus, for someone who's taking three writing courses, our author sure does need to work on her plot advancement. Maybe they just haven't gotten to that chapter yet."

Severus shrugged. "Who cares, let's go shag."

Harry turned around in astonishment. "I JUST KILLED THE EFFING DARK LORD AND YOU DON'T WANT TO CARRY ME AROUND ON YOUR SHOULDERS!"

"Uh Harry…what happened to the Spanish accent?" Lavender asked.

"Erm…Hola?"

"You are so pathetic."


	10. BFBF

CHAPTER 10 - BFBF

* * *

"OMG!" Hermione gasped, staring at the perfect pink package before her. "WHAT IS IT?"

"Your Valentine's Day present, my sweetheart, my love," Snape purred.

"….wasn't Valentine's Day like two weeks ago?"

"Yes, well, I sneakily stole your time turner when you weren't looking because I forgot all about Valentine's Day and then I had to run out and buy your present…and all that took two weeks. But today is Valentine's Day. In real life. Well…in time-turner life."

"This is as confusing as JK Rowling's time-turner plot device," Hermione muttered.

"Confusing or no, here's your present you ungrateful chit."

Hermione started sobbing uncontrollably as he handed her the box. "OMG SEVERUS THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME!"

Snape started picking at the wrapping paper, eager to see what was inside, before he remembered he had bought it.

Hermione remembered the perfect pink package before her and tore at it. She stared at the huge chocolate heart that had HG/SS BFBF engraved in it.

"What's with the letters?" she asked.

"Those are the initials of our ship," Snape replied.

"And the BFBF?"

"Best fuck buddies forever."

Hermione burst into a torrent of tears. "OMG SEVERUS! THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME!"

Snape blushed. "I know."


	11. Hermione and the Romance Novel

CHAPTER 11: Hermione and the Romance Novel

* * *

"Severus, it is highly improper for you to see me in this state of undress!" Hermione exclaimed, blushing furiously.

Severus Snape stared at his wife who had on a full-length gown, buttoned to her neck, with a thick wool shawl thrown carelessly over her shoulders. He stared in amazement as his wife clutched it around her as if she were naked and he a twisted voyeur.

"Er…. Hermione, love…. We've made sixteen children together…. I have seen you er…. naked before."

Hermione gasped. "Sir, I beg you! It is highly improper for you to speak of such things!"

Snape ogled his wife. "What the hell…"

"Sir! Kindly do not curse in front of me! I am a gently bred lady of the _ton _after all, not some scullery maid."

"Well… I was just curious… you propositioned me earlier, but I was giving detention… so I came to see if you wanted to… well, you know," Severus muttered, unusually embarrassed in front of his wife. She was acting so peculiar.

"I assure you, sir, I do not."

"You know… get our jiggy on."

"Pardon?'

"Make love!" Snape positively roared.

For a moment Hermione looked like she was going to swoon. "Sir! I cannot positively think of such things… I am … on my _courses_."

"Your what?" Snape bellowed in frustration.

"My womanly courses!"

"You mean your period?" Snape whispered, forcing the word out behind his reluctant lips.

"My…period?" Hermione said, as if trying the word out for the first time. "Sir, if you should wish to resume relations at the end of the week, please leave your card. Until then, I am clearly indisposed."

Snape stared at his wife in shock, but when she turned her back it was clear she was not going to continue the conversation. "Dumbledore," he gasped, rushing from the room. If anyone could help it would be Dumbledore.

* * *

"What's Snape's problem?" Harry muttered to Ginny as Snape went tearing past them.

Ginny clearly was not listening, but was paying a great deal of attention to the hem of her skirt.

"Ginny?"

"Huh? Yes, I like bananas."

"…you weren't listening to me, were you?" Harry said.

"I'm sorry, Harry… it's just… I've been thinking. I'm greatly concerned."

"About what?"

"Well… have you noticed our author hasn't written anything really good lately? Some of her reviewers think," Ginny dropped her voice to a hushed whisper, "they think that she is out of good ideas!" The last was said in a bit of a rush, as if she were afraid she'd be thrown in the stocks if anyone overheard her.

"What!" Harry exclaimed. "How was trying to force feed Hermione carrots not funny!"

"Um…. It really wasn't," Ginny replied. "In fact, she took that chapter out in this edited version."

"Well, I laughed!" Harry proclaimed vehemently.

"McGonagall screaming from the building at the mention of the Dixie Chicks _was _slightly amusing," Ginny amended, hoping to appease her very-angry boyfriend.

"That's wasn't amusing!" Harry all but yelled. "I would have run from the building at the mention of their name, too, if I hadn't been so busy trying to act emo."

"Harry," Ginny whispered calmly. "You need to face it… this fic is coming to an end."

"No!" Harry screamed. "Don't repeat such nonsense! Damn! This is worse than when I lost my teddy bear…"

"…or losing your parents?" Ginny injected curiously.

Harry waved his hand. "Oh yeah, that too."

Snape stormed into Dumbledore's office, nearly knocking over McGonagall who was on her way out.

"Severus!" She gasped, clutching the door for balance. "Really!"

"Not now, Minerva!" He turned to Dumbledore. "You must help me! My wife has become completely deranged. She keeps acting as if she's half-naked when she's dressed for winter, and she won't let me touch her because she's on her courses and –"

"Her what?" Dumbledore asked, confused as hell.

"Her period," McGonagall interrupted.

Snape turned to her. "How did you know what it was?"

McGonagall looked very concerned and patted her neck nervously. "Because women in romance novels are on their _courses_, not periods… And Hermione has been reading a great deal of those lately… And… oh, dear."

"What?" Snape asked, almost in a whisper.

"Oh dear. Severus… Severus, I believe your wife is stuck in one of her romance novels."

Snape looked positively sickened.


	12. Hermione and the Blog

Chapter 12 Hermione and the Blog

Summary: Hermione's cure is in….a blog?

* * *

The Journal of Hermione Granger: BlckUnicorn

10/9/06 8:59 P.M.

current location: Severus's study

current mood: confused

current music: Angels – Within Temptation

**Entry #1….**

Well, Dumbledore forced me two weeks ago to begin this blog to curb my romance-novel obsession. So far I have referred to my "courses" as periods once more. Showing my wrist to Severus is no longer risqué to me, and I have stopped referring to cucumber sandwiches as "delightful nibblies!" Actually, that seemed to amuse Severus, so I continue to do that.

So far I have lost my insatiable appetite for the romance novel genre (though from time to time I _do _still dabble in it…. But I keep these hidden from Severus, of course!), but have found myself obsessed with yet another entity….

Blogging. I, Hermione Granger, absolutely _detest_ the word 'blog', so therefore I shall refer to it here on out only a journaling, or such.

In other news… today Draco was walking out of the meal hall and slipped on a banana peel! LOLZ!

* * *

10/15/06 11:15 A.M.

current location: the room of requirement…

current mood: devious/slightly horny

current music: Nina Gordon – Tonight and the Rest of my Life

**Curious…..**

I must say! Ginny has told me the most startling news and I had to report right away! I have also been pursuing the romance novel genre once more, but with far less fervor. Nonetheless, I must seek the room of requirement every time I desire to continue another chapter….

But I digress! My news! Ginny told me she shagged Draco in the most exotic location! In the _shrieking shack_!

I know, I know, I was a bit puzzled too, as I thought she and Harry were quite the item. However, it appears the author of the fanfic can't quite make up her mind as to whether she feels Ginny would really end up with Harry or not.

As long as she keeps me and Severus together I don't care. But I must try out this shrieking shack…. How to lure Severus there……

**1 Comment**

GinnervieWeasle19: You said you weren't going to tell anyone!... And anyway, I just blindfolded Draco to get him to the shack…. They are men (although when Harry is acting emo, that's questionable) – they are easily led…. And I'm still angry!


	13. The Tea Party

Chapter 13: The Tea Party

Summary: (In a very eerie-alternate-universe where Voldemort is dead to keep with canon, and yet alive to have tea with Harry. Because the Author really wants to see this happen. So she has resurrected the dark Lord momentarily.)

* * *

"Please have a seat," Harry gestured to the chair opposite him.

Voldemort smile graciously and sat, watching a Harry poured tea out of a pink tea top decorated with lavender flowers adorning the sides. It was a little frilly for his tastes, but then who was he to judge? "And what are we having today, my chap?"

"Earl Grey. It's what the author wanted," Harry said, passing a plate of crumpets to Voldemort along with his tea on a delicate saucer.

"So, my chap, what have you brought me here today to discuss? I assume it must be of dire importance if I was resurrected from the grave. Or…however it was I died. I'll confess and say I read the last book quite awhile ago and don't exactly remember the details of my death. I read some Virginia Woolf since then, and that has a habit of making me forget any book that preceded it. It's her prose, I think. So beautiful and intricate…"

Harry shrugged. "Hell, I killed you and I don't even remember how it happened."

"Oh.." Voldemort shifted uncomfortably in his seat, nibbling on a crumpet. _This is most awkward_, he thought to himself. _I wonder if I can say I have to go take care of my pet rabbit to get out of his horrid tea party. _

"Well, I suppose you are wondering why I asked you to have tea with me today," Harry said.

Voldemort raised his eyebrows (or the region where his eyebrows would have been if he had any) inquiringly.

Harry shifted uncomfortably, repeating Voldemort's actions. Harry cleared his throat. "Er… lemon for your tea?"

"No, thank you. I don't like lemon in my tea."

"Neither do I," Harry said, "But the author donated all the lemons life has given her recently to Hogwarts and the elves simply don't know what to do with them. So they keep putting them in our tea. Even though none of us like it. Myself, I just prefer a cube of sugar. When I was little I used to eat the cubes plain and then I would…" Harry's voice trailed off as he saw Voldemort's look of impatience. "Alright, fine, enough chit chat. I…wanted to make peace," Harry said.

"Come again?" Voldemort asked, rubbing his ears, sure he heard wrong.

"I want to make peace."

"But… isn't that a bit futile since I'm already dead?" Voldemort asked.

"Well…perhaps…but it still would make me rest easier at night all the same…" Harry said.

Voldemort frowned. "Now that you mention it, I have a bone to pick with you."

Harry's stomach sank. He hated when people used that phrase. A conversation starting like that never ended well. "Oh? What is that?"

"YOU BLOODY KILLED ME!"

Harry jumped back a few inched. "But… the prophesy! I had no choice!"

"Oh, screw the bloody prophesy. You could have easily just let me kill you and take over the entire wizarding world and let me kill all the muggles in the world. YOU RUINED MY PLANS."

Harry stood up angrily. "But I couldn't let you do that!"

"WHY NOT?!" Voldemort stood, too.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, it's the tale that's been told before – there's nothing new. There's a bad bad evil dude with scary red eyes, and there's an oddly sexy but way-too-emo man-child who must defeat the bad bad evil dude with scary red eyes. You know, good versus evil. Good has won – since the time of Beowulf. There's nothing you could have done." Harry waved his hand dismissively.

"Well there bloody is now!" Voldemort screamed, throwing the tray of crumpets at Harry's head.

It glanced of Harry's head, clattering to the floor amidst the rubble of broken crumpets. "Ow, that hurt!" Harry screamed.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "You were always such a pansy."

Harry's face turned a vibrant shade of red. As he began to shake, Voldemort disappeared. He stared in surprise at the empty space before him. "What the…"

Author: I got rid of him… you looked like you were going to have an apoplectic fit, and I can't lose you yet. Your emo-ness amuses me too much.

"Oh… alright then…" Harry shrugged. He then saw the pink party bag lying on the table. "Oh, darn, I forgot to give Voldy his party favor." A _mew _went up from the bag. "He always wanted a kitten, but his dad and mum never let him have one…"

Author: You. Are. So. Weird.

"No, I'm emo. They are two very different things. Unbeknownst to my followers, my middle name is actually Emo. Harry Emo Potter. Well, you best to get to cleaning up the crumpets. You've been doing a lot of cleaning while living with your mum and dad, you should be a pro by now," Harry waved at the mess as he walked out the door. "Have fun, Cinderella."

Author: I might have to kill him after all.

Dumbledore: I can't believe J.K. Rowling outed me to the whole world…. I thought we were friends…. I thought I could trust her….

Author: If you're not going to help me clean up these crumpets, then shut up. *kills Dumbledore*

Readers: Are outraged.

Author: I'm just keeping with canon…


	14. The One With Clichés

Chapter 14: The One With Clichés

Summary: Canon!Ron has made a sudden appearance in this fic.

* * *

"IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!" Canon!Ron shouted at Severus Snape, jabbing his wand at his eye. Canon!Ron was not very adept at using the wand, but he figured if nothing else he could poke Snape's eye out with it.

"Guys, this is ridiculous! I am not some sexed-up heroine that two men need to fight over!" Hermione yelled. Then she paused, rubbing her chin. "On the other hand…. I've never _been _a sexed-up heroine before… It might be fun…"

Severus gave Ron a confused look, as if just realizing the boy-child had red hair. With one flick of the wand, Ron disappeared.

Hermione looked aghast.

"Well, love…" Severus said in a placating tone, "he was just Canon!Ron, not the real Ron of this fic. Your best friend is probably somewhere on the ground, making out with some Scottish mermaid… And really, Canon!Ron lives on, as long as we remember him in our hearts. He lives here," Severus pointed to his head, "and here" and then pointed to his heart.

"I have a sudden craving for Chocolate and pinky fuzzy slippers," Hermione said softly, wiping her tears with Severus's monogrammed handkerchief.

* * *

"What part of 'I'm not interested' don't you understand?" Harry screamed at Draco.

"But… I thought you loved me…"

"NO!"

Draco sobbed uncontrollably.

"Oh for…" Harry rolled his eyes, then softened his countenance and wrapped his semi-masculine-yet-not-quite-gone-through-puberty arm around Draco. "I do love you, Draco, just not like that."

Draco sniffled loudly, looking at Harry imploringly.

"I'm sorry Draco… it's not you, it's me… I just can't be what you want."

Draco cried harder.

* * *

"I'M NOT LEAVING YOU!" Hagrid screamed.

"YOU HAVE TO GO ON WITHOUT ME! YOU MUST!" Minerva screamed back.

Wind whipped their robes wildly around them, as rain poured down their faces. Thunder crashed into the distance, creating a very very dramatic effect. The trees behind Hagrid's house lent an additional tragic and heartbreaking tone.

Wind: howls desperately

"I SIMPLY CANNOT!" Hagrid cried out in utter despair.

Minerva cried tears of pain, but also tears of resignation. "It is the only way… it is my time to leave the wizarding world. I want to go to pharmacology school. We must part ways, Hagrid."

The thunder crashed violently, and lightening lit their pain-torn faces.

Minerva gave Hagrid one last heart-felt look of love before walking away.

Readers: are confused

Author: shrugs. They were the first two characters I could think of…

* * *

"Harry Potter is SO EMO!" Ginny complained.

"That's not a cliché, Ginny, that's canon. You can't mess with that," Hermione said.

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Oh, bullocks."

* * *

"If my calculations are correct, you'd have approximately 1.2 seconds to live after swallowing that potion…" Harry told Neville.

Neville picked up the bottle before him and swallowed. And approximately 1.2 seconds later collapsed on the floor of the dungeon.

Harry looked surprised. "NO! DON'T DIE ON ME!"

Some doctors in scrubs bearing name plates that read "Seattle Grace Hospital" rushed into the room. "I'M DOCTOR MEREDITH GREY! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!"

Harry reared back. "Back up the crash-cart train there, lady. There's only room enough for one overly-emo person in the town. Which means you need to leave."

The lady in scrubs shrugged. "Fine, no need to get touchy about it. I don't really know what I'm doing anyway. All I really know how to do is cry."

Viewers: "Hey, that's a great show!"

Harry: "Not as good as mine!!!!

Hermione looked over at her husband. "Is that a cliché?"

Severus shook his head. "I don't think so."

Hermione shrugged. "Oh well, plenty more fish in the sea I suppose."

Severus shook his head again. "No, Hermione, save that line for a rainy day."


	15. JK Rowling Calls for an End to the Story

Chapter 15: JK Rowling Calls for an End to this Story

* * *

JK Rowling entered the great hall. Everyone applauded and cheered, clambering for a speech. She walked to a podium at the front and cleared her throat.

"I am calling for an end to this story!"

"Uh, we got that from the title of the Chapter," Ron said.

"I can have you eaten by a hippogriff if you don't shut your face," Rowling snapped. Ron looked chagrined and remained silent.

"You can't speak to my lover that way," Lavendar exclaimed loudly.

Readers: Now you're sleeping with RON? Ho.

"THIS is what I am talking about! Ron making out with Harry. Harry making out with Draco. Hermione making out with Snape! Lavendar sleeping around. This has GOT. TO. STOP."

"Hey, Lavendar sleeping around is canon. You can't mess with that," Harry said.

"But… but I love Snape!" Hermione interrupted tearfully. "We have five hundred and twenty-three kids and one on the way. You can't just make all that disappear!"

"I can and I will! Because I am the creator of you. I wrote Harry Potter and the Magical Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Aspartame –"

"Wait a minute," Harry piped up. "I don't believe you are really JK Rowling… You're an… IMPOSTER!"

The woman at the podium look visibly flustered. "No, no.. I am she. I can prove it. My name is JK Rowling! What more proof do you need?!"

Harry waved his wand and in a loud, deep baritone said "REVEALUS EXPECTUS!"

And there, before all their eyes, was a young girl with mousy brown hair and an incredibly bad posture. She looked in fear around her. "Uh… uh… "

"I KNEW IT!" Harry exclaimed. "IMPOSTER! What are you doing here?!"

"Um… trying to er, end this story?"

"Hey, I think it's one of the reviewers who said this story was rubbish. Or said the Irish jig was improperly named because it's really supposed to be called river dance, and the reviewer was from Ireland so she would know. Or Something."

"You're right!" Someone in the Hufflepuff crowd exclaimed. "You're bloody friggin right!"

"BANISH HER!"

"EXILE HER!"

The crowd turned back to the imposter at the podium.

But.

She was gone.

…And Hermione and Snape went on to have twelve more babies. Ten of which Angelina Jolie adopted.


End file.
